Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
