cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
