I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
