Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
