I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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