Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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