Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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