6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
