8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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