No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
zippers are such a cool invention
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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