Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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