youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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