I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
