fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
