Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
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Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
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Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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