I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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