My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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