I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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