I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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