Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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