I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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