after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it's like iHOP with fire
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
why is half of my head shaved?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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