Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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