tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
