If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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