Got a toothbrush?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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