mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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