All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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