Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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