Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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