I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
