babies were throwing up all over the place
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
