Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
