Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize