This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Text me some of your sweat
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
