I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
