I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
