I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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