Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
