The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
