I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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