Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
