Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
