Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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