She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
