I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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