Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
