wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?