Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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