I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
