If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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