Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
