dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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