I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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