Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
