Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
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No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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