This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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