Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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