So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
