I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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