if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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