Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
