He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
